I felt trapped in my own body, I could not get out, I could not keep track of the outside world, and I could not find the right words or gestures needed to communicate to others. Home was easy as it was an emotional based environment, I did not have to say everything in a cool way, but mom complained that I was not listening. She would repeat herself in an individual way so I could comply. Not so at school. Love and emotions are often not acceptable. They decided I was deaf, and in a way I was, but not to sounds, but to words. I had many hearing tests done, I could hear them turning the knobs on the instrument panel before the sound even changed. After a long time of passing hearing tests I was labeled 'under achiever' and ignored. You could say I was blind too. I got lost easily. I couldn't remember words in a book, I couldn't read. I couldn't talk well, I couldn't find the right words. I was trapped and lonely.
I did not know what was going on in the classroom. I took to wandering around the room. Teachers let me and it was very good that they did. I began to observe more what the other kids were doing. Very slowly I began to figure out math, it was logical, i could look it over and over and figure out the patterns. I slowly began to excel in math. I could draw, my older brother taught me how to draw in 3D and so I did. In a quiet world there is plenty of time to draw. I began to excel in art. And, of course, I excelled in physical education, as long as it was predictable. But I could watch others read all day and not learn how to read. I was learning words, I could recognize some, but not sound out strange ones. I was not hearing words quite the same and so I was not always saying them correctly either. I could not sound out the word nor could I spell, not by sounding out. And I could not remember either. Mom would test me on my spelling list before going to school, I could get them right, but by the time I got to school I had forgotten most all of them. She use to question me as to how that could be.
I think she was in denial. When I would ask her if I was normal she would always answer that she was so happy all her children were born normal with ten fingers and ten toes. My older brother had problems too and she did not really recognize that until he was past the marriage age and never got married. My mother was extremely bright and eternally optimistic. It was probably a good thing, as me and my brother strove to be normal, to excel in what ever we could. The only draw back was I felt isolated, different, and always wondered what was wrong, why I had to struggle so hard. And I needed more help, help I never got from home. It put a strain on our mother daughter relationship, I felt I was letting her down even though she never said so.
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