The meaning of life, I could not navigate or know what to do next without a coherent meaning of life, I needed my map, the directions to what works and what does not. The directions that told me what to do next, what I could do, what would work with others, and how to combine the two together. I could do it in the feminine nurturance of a grade school classroom. I was totally lost in the male oriented Jr. High school, the more structured military like adherence to rules that isolated me without the supports I needed.
I sat in the back of the room in a panic. I was starting over, but nothing seemed to work. Mom, grandma, the female touch was gone. My dad had been the scary one, he never even spanked us, but his voice was so firm. He had spanked my oldest brother a lot. So much so that my mom left the house never to return if he continued. So he never touch me and my other brother. But the fear of retribution was in the air. But it was my dad who said I could do anything if I put my mind to it. All those feeling transferred to this male teacher. I felt he could be mean yet open more doors for me. But I was at the back of the room and isolated.
The fuse was smoldering, was getting shorter and shorter, something had to happen, I was falling backwards.
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