When I was struggling and trying hard to be normal I was sure that everyone could see my struggle. I was sure that the other kids looked down on me. I was sure they knew my little secret, that it was not a secret al all, the secret that something was very wrong with me, that I could not perform right. Two of my friends were valedictorian candidates. The smartest one was not picked because she was not as ambitious as the other. But she was a really good person. I was sure she could tell. I was sure another friend who was also a brain could tell I was struggling. I never talked about it, never, I didn't know what was wrong. Recently in school reunions I have asked most of them and they say, no, we did not know. You seemed bright to us, we had no idea you were struggling.
Now I know it can be our own ambitions that define our failures, not others, not when it is not obvious. It is hard to be learning disabled, it is even harder when no one knows because you are too bright for them to notice, it is lonely, you shy back because of the discrepancies, that way they do not know. But you do. You know how hard you tried to no avail. I had a 2.000000 grade point average and that was acceptable, thank God it was because I could keep trying. But it was not A's and B's and so I hid myself. I did not socialize as much. I couldn't anyway as I could not remember the right things to say, the right movies, actors, or even the names of people they were gossiping about. I did not know the right fads, or the right jokes, or any of the trivia they spoke about. I could only discuss issues.
But if they had know I was learning disabled it may have been worse. What I see happening is that if someone is struggling or if someone is being hurt, abused, people do not want to associate with them because it complicates their lives. They would have to compensate somehow, and they do not want to as it can be as frustrating to them as to the abused or handicapped person. If you are abused the extra complication is they may be better to the abuser then you because they do not want to be abused too. Either way, failure is not an option.
I told myself if I fail the SATs I will not tell anyone but I will try try again. I do not remember if I even told my friends I was going to take it, I believe I did not. It was my secret because it was my problem and I did not want it to be theirs or it would complicate my life when I failed over and over and tried over and over. No wonder children do not often tell on their perpetrators.
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