My head swirled with all the stories my Grand Ma told me. I could not remember details but I could remember the concepts. I lived in a doll house with her when ever I could get away and visit. My older brother had bought me a doll house and I would go home after visiting my Grand Ma and play doll house, reenact the joy of my life. I would play in the dirt making little cities and moving people around in them, reenacting the essence of the stories.
I was eight years old, and sitting outside my house, first on the huge cement steps my father had made winding up the small hill to the parking lot, and then on the edge of the cement porch he made. I was thinking about life, what was it all about, what made it all run well. And as usual my memory of my thought fell away, I could not remember what I had been thinking about. This happened a lot. I would be left in a blank world of only present awareness, aware that I had been thinking, but not what about. How could I track life if my thoughts would disappear? I knew from this that thoughts were separate from the real us, from the consciousness of the moment. The thought had been full of Grand Ma's love for me. The emotion was still there. I then understood that emotions do not leave, that they are separate from thoughts but connected to thoughts. The miracle is when I decided I would concentrate on the emotion and try and bring the thought back. I placed my head in my lap grasping my legs I closed my eyes and felt the emotion. I did this for several minutes and the thoughts came back. I almost cried for joy. I had a tab bit of control. It did not always work and it may take time to work but it was hope, hope that I could build a chain of thoughts by remembering enough to piece more together.
I had a new tool. The world became the present, all has been connected since then into a working model of consciousness, of me. Now, for the first time I could work on me, I could remember enough times to remember enough to review and plan how to manipulate me, my mind, my thoughts, to be able to build me and dream of the future. So simple for so many so hard for me, but I had hope. Now for the next step, I was out of the dark, I was. I would now become what I wanted to become and so.........failure continued as usual, I was just more aware of it, what a let down, I wondered how I could use my new miracle, I would try writing.
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